Some women fall in love with the UPS driver, a fantasy kind of love that usually stems from boredom or a less-than-perfect marriage. I suppose if your life is really empty, a guy dressed in dung brown who appears at your front door might be an amusing (and if you’re smart, unfulfilled) diversion. Not for me, though. I have a thing for the truck—and it all ties in to internet shopping.
It’s all the fault of department stores, actually. Department stores are not kind. Most of them employ overhead lighting in their dressing rooms, which is utterly unforgiving. Any female with less-than-perfect thighs (translation: any female over the age of fourteen) knows that lighting from above casts shadows that make even the teensiest bit of cellulite look like lunar craters. I’ve heard twenty-something woman complain about it, and if it makes them look bad, it’s downright merciless to anyone past fifty.
I’ve expressed my dismay to scores of sales associates over the years, but let’s be realistic—they don’t care. Unless you’re personally addressing Mr. Nordstrom or Mr. Bloomingdale, the complaint falls on deaf ears. A nineteen-year-old, part-time employee really doesn’t give a rat’s patoot if you put that sleeveless silk blouse back on the rack because your upper arms look like dimpled pie dough when illuminated by the dressing room’s horrific lights.
The solution is to try everything on in a place with strategic side lighting. This can be accomplished by shopping exclusively in ultra-high-end boutiques whose dressing rooms are scientifically designed for the sole purpose of flattery, not frustration. If spending $300 on a bathing suit is beyond your budget, no matter how good your thighs look in the dressing-room mirror, I have two words for you:
It’s a simple strategy: search for it, find it, order it, wait for it. And that’s where the love affair with the UPS truck comes in. I have been known to dash up the driveway to greet it, and even though several different drivers service my neighborhood, whoever is behind the wheel always waves at me if we pass each other on the road.
To me, it’s a relationship made in heaven.
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